– By Khahlil Louisy

 

Ross Asdourian doesn’t think of himself as a comedian, but he is seriously hilarious.  Ross is the guy who, during intercourse, snapped his penis, then wrote a book about the experience and threw himself a party. And being the cat that curiosity has yet to kill, I had so many questions about this situation. So I reached out to Ross and he agreed to chat with me. Buckle up, you’re in for a ride!

 

Man, where are you from?
I was born in Miami and made my way to New York via Orlando and Seattle. I grew up in Orlando, did my time in Florida, spent four years in Seattle, and moved to New York four and a half years ago.

What are you doing in New York right now?
I’m a Video Producer here in New York… and still trying to sell my books right now [laughs], but if all else fails, I’m still a producer.

And you’re not a comedian at all?
I am not a comedian, that’s a big misconception. In an article that first came out about me, I was called a comedian, but I don’t do stand-up or make money doing comedy. The book is funny…but no, I am no comedian.

So ‘Broken Bananah’? Why though?
I think the answer changes every time I get asked, but the ‘blanket’ answer would be that everybody has a story to tell and this one happens to be mine. I think the real reason we create is because we all want to be known and loved. I also think there are so many people we are close to, that we don’t even know. So this is an opportunity for me to create a funny backdrop of a traumatic experience…
[Both Laughing]

Do you want to talk about that experience? Was this someone you had been seeing at the time?
No, we had hooked up in college. She came in to town and hung out a couple times, and eventually ended up going back to my place which was…the beginning of the end… [both laughing]

I want to know how that experience actually happen?
Technically speaking?…

Yes!
Sure…okay. So, we were doing it ‘doggystyle’ and then I came out a little bit, and was going back in, in equal but opposite forces, during the heat of the moment…

But there must have been considerable force…
Not really, the accident occurred from what I would describe as a lack of elasticity, more than anything else…

On who’s end?
On my end, but also…a lack of size on her end…[Laughs]

So…no cushion for the pushing?
Basically, no cushion for the pushing.

What happened in that moment?
It was a snap, like an audible pop…it was like a [clicks tongue to make the pop sound] and I knew immediately…and basically… how gross do you want to be from one-to-ten?

10!
Great! So, I moved over, and blood basically shot out of my penis. I was by the foot of the bed in the fetal position then got up to flip on the lights and called 911. She was still on all fours, looking at me like ‘what’s happening?’…

She was still on all fours?!
Yup, and I looked at her with absolute seriousness and said, ‘I think I broke my penis’.

What happened after that? How did she react?
I mean how can you react in that moment? I think by that time she wasn’t still on all fours of course, but she was like ‘what should I do?’, and I was still on the phone with 911, but she also tried her best to help in that moment. She was great!

Before we go forward, what was the pain level like on a scale of one-to-ten?
10..Easy 10… isolated in a vacuum, it’s a 10, but relative to other pains probably less. It was a sharp shot of pain that went through my whole body.

What was going through your mind? What was the most prominent?
A million things were going through my mind in that moment. I think in that moment an echo of what this means for the rest of your life happens very quickly. Who should I tell? Is my insurance going to cover this? Will it ever work again? everything you could possibly think of.

How was the conversation at the hospital with the doctors? How did you explain it?
They just asked how it happened. They didn’t believe it at first. But they got a separate account from both of us, because they thought it had been foul play…

Oh, like domestic violence or something?
I mean more like BDSM… [Both Laughing]. But once they corroborated the story, it was figuring out the extent of the damage, when the surgery would be needed, how soon, etc…the only hard part was I couldn’t pee. That meant I had a certain amount of time where they had to do something. At that point, they realized it could be a lot worse than just a muscular tear.

Then you decided to write the book about it. How was that process?
I think that writing a book is like getting a college degree, it’s more like you say you could do it, but the process is a bit of a blur…And it has a lot of ups and downs. But it’s probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done to be honest.

But, what made you actually write the book?
Well, I’m not a comedian, but I do like to make people laugh. I think this story went from something I was very reticent about to something I realized made people laugh.  And if they can laugh at my expense, I’m into it. Also, it really is a memoir that dives into dating, family relationships, and these maternal relationships that we hold in these times of need, that we all either go through at some point or have someone close to us go through. I also just think that journey of medical trauma is so funny…
[Both laughing]

After the fact!
After the fact! But, even during the fact, it doesn’t serve you to be a ‘sour puss’ when people are trying to help you. It’s really frustrating, you’re in pain, it’s slow. Just stupid shit that makes you go “FUCK!” But ultimately, I think comedy has been a coping mechanism to get me through a lot of things in life.

How has your attitude or mentality towards sexual health changed?
My attitude towards sexual health hasn’t changed, I would say that my gratitude for its existence has increased [laughs]…

Have you, um, launched back into the activity?
One hundred percent

Has it affected performance?
one hundred percent! It hasn’t changed who I am, but it has made me more aware. If you are, not to equate myself to an athlete, but if you tear your ACL on the field, you can still play like a champ, but you’ll be more aware when you’re taking hard turns, like maybe you should be a little more careful

Do your partners know ahead of the act?
It’s not something I lead with. I think it’s different now that I’ve written a book about it. It’s not really in the STD conversations, like ‘Hey, are you clean?’ ‘Have any broken penis or vagina I should know about?’ [both laughing] it just doesn’t come up, but after the fact, sure, because if you know me, that’s part of my story now…

Have the number of partners increased because of curiosity?
No, I would actually say they’ve decreased…

Is that because of the book or because you are a little more careful?
I think it is because I am older, so I take more precaution

How long ago was this?
It was three and a half years ago. I mean it’s not like I was racking up numbers to begin with, but again, it’s not like something I lead with.  I don’t think people would be sleeping with me out of curiosity. I’m not like Lil Wayne, like did he just do it, to do it?
[Both laughing]

What’s next?
Next step is to find Michael B. Jordan and have him play me in a movie, so we can make the next ‘Hangover’.
[Both laughing]

Michael B. Jordan?
Hell yeah! I would love him to play me in a film, I think comedy is harder to do. And usually, the best comedic actors are really the best dramatic actors. That’s my opinion.

Do you want to get into film?
Like anything you create, you create it because it’s within you, so you have to let it out. But also, as a smart creative, you want to monetize it, so you can keep doing it. It’s a natural play, there are hundreds of other things I can do in this world that would be fun and I’ll pursue that, but I am also working on other creative stuff. I’m not really pigeonholed or dedicated to just one thing.

This is amazing and writing and talking about it has made people laugh. What was your family’s reaction to the book?
It was favorable, even though the story is a gimmick at surface level, the book still has integrity. But this isn’t the first time I’ve written. I have been writing all my life. The part that was surprising for them was the architecture. I’ve always worked for a company, so everything you produce is under the guise of somebody else. When you have something with your name on it, it’s surprising, like, you actually have something with your name one it. The book is like a memoir calling back to the past and dissects everything. So for them, as parents, it was an eye-opener and also, kind of cool to peek into their child’s raw emotion.

Were you nervous at all?
Yeah! In fact, I truthfully still get nervous talking about it because it is so deeply personal. Any time you create something, you’re opening yourself up to criticism. For me though, it’s funny and I want you to laugh, because we are in a time where people fucking need to laugh. And putting something out there that’s pretty open, especially straight, male sexuality, isn’t something that’s talked about a lot. So, putting myself out there and always being a communicator in my private life and always setting expectations.

How has the feedback been?
Overwhelmingly great. I mean, you’re not going to put something out there and not get any negative feedback, of course people will dislike it, especially if people don’t know what they’re getting into. But having people of all ages reach out and say they were laughing and cringing the whole way through was rewarding.

Now, let’s talk about the party!
Yeah, I threw an all yellow party! I think book launches can be boring and I like to have fun, so we got a space at Hotel Chantelle for about one hundred and twenty people. We had people come in yellow, banana costumes, etc. and it was a blast! We spend months, if not years, battling ourselves for one day of glory for in-person reactions. You put in all this work no one sees, for a short time of appreciation and a feeling that is impossible to replicate.

How long did it take to write the book?
That’s kind of hard to gauge. I sat down to write my book two years ago and then I left my job at Red Bull to finally focus on this book, along with other impact projects I was passionate about. I would say it took five months, with some months previous, taking notes, playing around, etc.

Is there a sequence coming?
I hope I never have to write a sequence to this book [both laughing]

 

Seriously, you have to read this thing! Pick up a copy from Amazon.